MRTW: in pursuit of being charmed by hockey
I've decided to like hockey. I've dabbled in liking hockey before, but I've decided it's time to pick a team, buy a hat, and become dedicated. After all, their games get played on ESPN+ which is more than I can say for the NBA– an organization hell-bent on making sure you cannot watch their product.
Now choosing a team will be tough. I've got lots of ties to different teams I could go with. The easy thing would be to just pick the place I live– Chicago, Illinois. When I was in high school the Chicago Blackhawks were very good, but, really, liking the Blackhawks borders on morally wrong. I'm already a lifelong Cubs fan. I have to draw a line somewhere.
I've got friends in Philly who are Islanders fans, Flyers fans, and Devils fans. I've also been made aware of a player named Rob Thomas which is compelling to me as a comically committed Matchbox 20 fan, but he plays for the Blues and I don't know that my born-in-suburban-Chicago nature can go for that.
What is a girl to do!
Well, I'm in luck. Today, as of typing this, is Monday 1/29 and this weekend is the All-Star Game and Auxilary Events! By all accounts–as is tradition for all-star games across all sports– that will not be a mega fun day in terms of "good hockey" or anything, but I do think it's good if you want to get a taste of players from every team. Lots of opportunities to be charmed by the boys. My rubric for choosing my team will be based on the following:
- How charmed am I by the player? (1-5; 5 being most charmed, 1 being least charmed– this is the most important metric)
- Is he cute? (1-3; 3 being the cutest)
- Does his regular team have nice jerseys? (1-5; 5 being the nicest– can make up points if they have nice merchandise otherwise)
- Have I heard of him? Or, alternatively, does he have star power? (1-5)
- Does the team seem frustrating to be a fan of? (1-5; 5 is most chill, 1 is most frustrating)
Whoever gets the most points wins my heart for their team for life. I'll buy a hat or something. It's cold and hockey loves a warm hat.
I do have some questions, though.
- Why is there an all-star draft? What's up with that?
- What's the deal with their celebrity choices? Michael Buble, Justin Bieber, Tate McRae and Will Arnett? Is hockey just a celebration of any Canadian? (I wrote this question before realizing it was being held in Toronto..)
- Do they really need to win A MILLION DOLLARS if they win the skills competition??
Draft Day - 2/1
I quickly found fault with my process. This is a flawed experiment. There is very little charm to be found. These dudes could not have less to say.
The way they set this up is funny. Letting the players pick the people on their team is like an oversized version of gym class where the captains got to be people who were way too intense about winning and they only picked their friends. Five Canucks on the team captained by the captain of the Canucks. Four Leafs on the team captained by an alternate captain of the Leafs. If I was a stickler and a killjoy, I would say it's sort of a mockery of the spirit of an all-star game.
Little did I know, the rest of the events would follow this trend.
Main takeaways:
- The sound during this event was crazy. Just constant overlapping audio from the announcers and the guys choosing the next player. You could hear Quinn and Jack Hughes just arguing. Mute the mics! The NHL is such a stepchild of an organization and I like it, but come on now. Mute the mics!
- Justin Bieber looked like an excited child and he didn't stand for most of the draft.
- Michael Buble was irritating during the draft as he yapped away while standing next to those three charmless boys. Then, following the draft, we found out he was on mushrooms and his behavior circled back to funny. They asked Jack Hughes if he knew Michael was on shrooms and that kid was like, "ha ha uhhhh I don't think I knew that." I get served endless thirst trap fancams of that dude and it's like.. I don't know girls. He did have a cute jacket on before the events though so I guess whatever.
- Rasmus Dahlin was compared to "a young Allen Iverson" LOL
- Matchbox 20 mentioned
- Nathan Mackinnon involved Tate Mcrae in a way that I thought was nice.
- Sebastian Aho - sexy.
Skills Competition - 2/2
Connor McDavid designed a skills competition then won a million dollars doing the best at the skills competition he designed. Good for him, I guess, but AGAIN! If I was a stickler and a killjoy, I would say it's sort of a mockery of the spirit of an all star game! That said, he is very cute and one of the more charming guys out there, so who am I to complain? I did like to see him skate fast.
12 guys competed in the skills competition. Auston Matthews got all the cheering. More than Nylander even. Speaking of Nylander, the NHL is trying to gaslight me into thinking he's hot. I won't let them win.
I was really pulling for Cale Makar to win. I think he's very cute or maybe he just kinda reminds me of Stefan Babcock from PUP and I've made a positive connection. Either way, I was bummed to see him lose to McDavid who, again, won a million dollars from the skills competition he designed.
Some other takeaways:
- Pettersson definitely did not hit that final pass in time NOT THAT IT MATTERS I GUESS
- During the One Shot competition, there was a time limit for no reason. Not a single one of them took longer than like 30 seconds to take those 9 shots or whatever. Just silly.
- I learned Sidney Crosby is like god or whatever, but he also looks like he uses just for men. That hair color does not look real. It's giving Meet The Robinsons. My friends don't think he dyes his hair and I believe them, but damn.
- Nathan Mackinnon did not understand the passing challenge. Getting to hear him say "I don't really know what I'm doing" was so good.
- Cale Makar hitting the puck really hard...
- I was happy for Georgiev he was cute. I liked it when the goalies were there the most.
- Some truly heinous music was performed in Toronto that night
The Main Event - 2/3
See, I had fun watching these games. I laughed every time I had to hear Auston Matthews's "All The World's A Stage" bumper. They played it a bunch and it was funny every time. I had been most charmed by the Avalanche players the day before so I was lightly pulling for them to win (they didn't) but I thought it was just fun. A shoot-out is fun. They all looked like they were having fun. That's what it's all about.
The Men
David Pastrňák - Boston Bruins
Charm: 4
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 13
Final thoughts: I like Pasta, but I'm not interested in aligning myself with the Bostonians.
Rasmus Dahlin - Buffalo Sabres
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 3
Total: 12
Final thoughts: Unlike a young Allen Iverson, I don't know if he has the star power, but I did think he was funny. His bit at the aquarium was fun. I could see myself aligned with Buffalo. I love the great lakes.
Alex DeBrincat - Detroit Red Wings
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 3
Total: 18
Final thoughts: Maybe his kid is swaying me, but I have heard of him before and I think his star power is evident. I like the Red Wings jerseys and always have.
Sam Reinhart - Florida Panthers
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 1
Star Power: 1
Frustration: 5
Total: 11
Final thoughts: Sam is overshadowed by his teammate. Sorry, Sam.
Nick Suzuki - Montreal Canadiens
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 2
Total: 13
Final thoughts: I don't think he got time to shine, but I really do think he's cute.
Brady Tkachuk - Ottawa Senators
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 1
Total: 11
Final thoughts: Again, not much time to shine. He did get that goal in the game though so I thought that was fun. I've never considered the Ottawa Senators as a team. Very minor league sounding name. I do like their black jerseys, though.
Nikita Kucherov - Tampa Bay Lightning
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 5
Frustration: 5
Total: 16
Final thoughts: Not trying at all in the skills competition and getting booed is so funny. It just is. As Defector said, All-Star Weekends could use more heels.
Auston Matthews - Toronto Maple Leafs
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 15
Final thoughts: Hair loss is coming for us all.
William Nylander - Toronto Maple Leafs
Charm: 1
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 10
Final thoughts: Cannot abide by an adult male blonde who is being told how hot he is. I left this exercise with nothing but disdain for Nylander.
Mitch Marner - Toronto Maple Leafs
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 13
Final thoughts: He looks like your cousin's husband that you've never met. Congrats on the goals, buddy!
Morgan Rielly - Toronto Maple Leafs
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 1
Total: 10
Final thoughts: He's married to a woman who gets billed before him in the tabloids. Love that.
Sergei Bobrovsky - Florida Panthers
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 1
Star Power: 5
Frustration: 2
Total: 14
Final thoughts: Hate the Panthers logo so much. I am charmed by him, though.
Jeremy Swayman - Boston Bruins
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 14
Final thoughts: I was thinking he reminded me of Seth Rosenthal from Secret Base, but they don't look alike at all. Just got Seth on the mind. Again, can't align with Bostonians.
Sebastian Aho - Carolina Hurricanes
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 4
Total: 17
Final thoughts: The cutest man on the ice all weekend !!!! I looked up videos of him because he was snubbed from the skills competition and he is so charming and cute. Why is it just Carolina? I think this about the Panthers, too. What is the deal?
Boone Jenner - Columbus Blue Jackets
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 1
Total: 14
Final thoughts: Boone doesn't feel like a Canadian name. Am I wrong?
Jack Hughes - New Jersey Devils
Charm: 1
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 5
Frustration: 3
Total: 14
Final thoughts: I look at Jack Hughes and it's like when I look at a yearbook from middle school. You flip through, remember what guys we all thought were "hot" and then laugh.
Mat Barzal - New York Islanders
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 12
Final thoughts: Basketball has those guys that are like Villainous White Guys Who Went To Duke and Mat's vibe is the same as those guys.
Igor Shesterkin - New York Rangers
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 5
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 3
Total: 14
Final thoughts: I like the Rangers jerseys a lot. Very classic hockey, to me. He did not do much to charm, though. Not a ton of opportunity.
Travis Konecny - Philadelphia Flyers
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 2
Total: 14
Final thoughts: I lived in Philly and I do like the whole Flyers vibe, but Travis is middle of the road for me.
Sidney Crosby - Pittsburgh Penguins
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 5
Frustration: 3
Total: 16
Final thoughts: God or whatever it seems.
Tom Wilson - Washington Capitals
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 2
Total: 12
Final thoughts: I don't know, Tom. Hot guy, though.
Clayton Keller - Arizona Coyotes
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 5
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 4
Total: 15
Final thoughts: This is what I think of when I think of a Hockey Player. Coyotes have one of my favorite jerseys of the ones that don't read as super classic.
Connor Bedard - Chicago Blackhawks
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 1
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 10
Final thoughts: Just a boy. He did not play due to injury. Get him out of Chicago.
Nathan MacKinnon - Colorado Avalanche
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 5
Star Power: 5
Frustration: 3
Total: 20
Final thoughts: A cartoon character of a man. A Disney Prince of a man. Not for me aesthetically, but I did think his little giggle at the Draft was cute.
Jake Oettinger - Dallas Stars
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 4
Total: 15
Final thoughts: I like green
Kirill Kaprizov - Minnesota Wild
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 5
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 3
Total: 15
Final thoughts: Love the Wild’s jerseys so much! I like his face. He looks nice.
Filip Forsberg - Nashville Predators
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 1
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 2
Total: 12
Final thoughts: Mustache
Robert Thomas - St. Louis Blues
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 3
Total: 12
Final thoughts: I could never be a Blues fan, but if they were to organize a fluff media appearance featuring Matchbox 20 star Rob Thomas.......
Cale Makar - Colorado Avalanche
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 5
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 3
Total: 20
Final thoughts: I just liked him! I am overcome. I found him so charming.
Connor Hellebuyck - Winnipeg Jets
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 3
Total: 14
Final thoughts: Fascinated he's from Michigan.
Alexandar Georgiev - Colorado Avalanche
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 5
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 2
Total: 17
Final thoughts: I felt proud when he won the goalie competition and also I was glad he stopped Connor McDavid from a top spot in the One-on-One skills game.
Frank Vatrano - Anaheim Ducks
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 1
Total: 13
Final thoughts: Middle of the road, for me.
Elias Lindholm - Calgary Flames
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 2
Total: 15
Final thoughts: Certified hottie....... Don't remember anything he did. He did get traded to the Canucks, but I'm rating his jersey as the Flames.
Connor McDavid - Edmonton Oilers
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 5
Frustration: 3
Total: 18
Final thoughts: Don't like the Oilers jerseys. He won a million dollars off the skills competition he designed.
Cam Talbot - Los Angeles Kings
Charm: 5
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 1
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 3
Total: 15
Final thoughts: Nice dad vibe and they talked to him a lot because he's from around Toronto. The guys with kids have more to say.
Tomas Hertl - San Jose Sharks
Charm: 4
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 3
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 2
Total: 13
Final thoughts: Again, I'm charmed by kids. I just am!
Oliver Bjorkstrand - Seattle Kraken
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 5
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 3
Total: 16
Final thoughts: Love the Kraken jerseys. Really do.
Quinn Hughes - Vancouver Canucks
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 5
Frustration: 4
Total: 18
Final thoughts: I don't think I think he's as hot as the girlies on TikTok want me to, but I kinda like his vibe and at least he looks like an adult.
Jack Eichel - Vegas Golden Knights
Charm: 2
Cuteness: 1
Jerseys: 1
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 5
Total: 12
Final thoughts: Hate the Vegas jerseys.
Elias Pettersson - Vancouver Canucks
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 4
Frustration: 4
Total: 18
Final thoughts: Get that boy some brown contacts. He is cute though.
Leon Draisaitl - Edmonton Oilers
Charm: 4
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 2
Star Power: 2
Frustration: 3
Total: 14
Final thoughts: I don't think he did as well in the All-Star events as he could have. Am I wrong? I don't know. Sad for Leon. I do like his last name.
J.T. Miller - Vancouver Canucks
Charm: 4
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 4
Total: 17
Final thoughts: His glasses crack me up.
Brock Boeser - Vancouver Canucks
Charm: 3
Cuteness: 2
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 4
Total: 16
Final thoughts: He looks nice :)
Thatcher Demko - Vancouver Canucks
Charm: 4
Cuteness: 3
Jerseys: 4
Star Power: 3
Frustration: 4
Total: 18
Final thoughts: To me, he is giving Ewan McGregor's performance as Obi Wan Kenobi. That's the kind of guy he is, I think.
In Conclusion
You know, I really feel I've learned so much from this. I don't think I'll ever be free of hockey TikTok. I feel I understand the vibe of the NHL and also Canada. Really, this was a celebration of Canada and I think that's beautiful.
And you'll be so excited to find out that I've become America's newest Colorado Avalanche fan! I have purchased a crewneck from Grailed. I like the colors, I like Cale Makar, I like Denver.