miranda reviews the world: horror movie edition

This past month I've been trying to expand my film horizons by enjoying some horror movies. I'm a big baby so I've never gotten that into horror stuff, but I decided to give it a true shot. It wasn't originally a newsletter idea and more just a request for a list of movies from a friend. That friend very kindly shared a list with me and I wrote little reviews of the movies in our shared note. I didn't intend to make a newsletter out of it, but all great content starts with just wanting to make your friends laugh so I'm publishing some of them anyway. I didn't watch everything on the list, but the newsletter needs to go out so here you go!

If you have complaints about this list of films I watched please direct them to Mitchell Wojcik. You can search him on instagram or twitter. Fair warning, all your complaints will be neutralized by just how cute and perfect his tiny dog is.

Hope ya had a beautiful, happy Halloween, folks! Here are some movie reviews!

The Strangers

You know, in some ways, this is a break up movie. Liv Tyler is here. Glenn Howerton is here for a very brief period. Gemma Ward is here for a less brief period. I love Gemma Ward I think she’s very pretty and cool. So is Liv Tyler but that goes without saying.

Watching the guy kill his bestie makes me sad. And I know it’s like for the mood of the film, but watching villains like the masked ppl here walk around is so funny. They’re like trying so hard to not be human. Anyway, I think masks are very scary by nature and for that reason this movie did, in fact, scare me, but I appreciate that the actual ending where they stab the guy isn’t like gratuitous. Mostly just suspense.

5.9/10.

Creep

Pre-watch note: adding my own because i have to investigate whether mark duplass is hot or not please understand

Interesting. I’ve come to the conclusion Mark Duplass can be hot, but he’s scary without a beard because his weirdo energy jumps by like a thousand points. Men sure can be scary. Scariest part was when he was wearing the wolf mask and kind of writhing slash moving his hips against the door.

Intrigued to see if the second one is any good.

Mitchell note: he is kind of hot

7.2/10

Dawn of the Dead (Original)

I watched a version of this movie that is over two hours long. Did it deserve to be? I’m not sure. But I liked that it was funny and silly and I liked that Roger and Peter seemed to like each other so much even though it made me sad to see Roger become a zombie. I’m also drunk right now. I thought the scenes with the zombies eating people were gross I had to look away. Maybe I think most things are gross? I’m not sure.

7.4/10.
Post-watch note: we will explore my feeling that everything is gross later

Night of the Living Dead (Original)

I like when they cut to shots of the zombies just like milling around outside. Kinda fun and silly. Less silly than Dawn of the Dead, definitely more scary. That said, the music makes it distinctly … of the past. I appreciate that there's not much set up just “there are zombies, there’s one now” and we jump in. Pretty good. Barb is annoying, but honestly probably how I’d react. I don’t think I’m all that resilient. Effects are better than I expected until the kid kills her mom. That’s funny. Watching the zombies eat the ~human flesh~ is gross, but maybe i just think watching people eat is gross? Learning a lot about me.

WAIT THEY KILLED HIM?????? HE SURVIVED THIS WHOLE TIME AND THEN THEY KILLED HIM ?!? I hate it. Livid.

7.4/10.

Cabin in the Woods

Maybe early to make a declaration like this, but I cannot imagine I will enjoy a movie on this list more than I enjoyed this movie. Very fun ! And gross but in a fun way ! And satisfying ! I loved it so much!!!!

9.5/10

The Blob (Remake 1989)

I think I loved this movie. I was also super high when I watched it. But I think I loved it. It was almost gross skin stuff, but always just a little bit too silly to be TOO gross. Anyway, a beautiful story of friendship. Had a great time.

8.1/10

Mitchell Note: great score, the scene where the guy gets pulled into the drain haunted me for years. that one kid died and deserved it. (ed. note – so true, he did deserve it)

Ghostbusters

I am an adult I have seen Ghostbusters.

6.8/10

Idle Hands

Some part of me thinks I’ve seen this before? I feel like my friends in college made me watch it? Anyway, parts of this are look-away gross. Like when Seth Green puts the other guys head back on with the meat fork thing and when they’re eating. That all grossed me out. But overall it’s funny and i enjoyed it :-)

7.5/10

The Conjuring

Not sure about this. On one hand, it’s silly like Ghost Adventures, but also I did find it scary as I’m a tiny baby. Or maybe it was just a little gross? Probably just gross at points. And loud. Anyway.

5.8/10

Blair Witch Project

I watched this one with my funniest friend so my review in tinged with the fact that it could not scare me at all because Ivan kept saying “this movie is like going on tour” and “once you know what women go through in this country this movie isn’t scary at all” BUT here are my thoughts:

This movie is boring. So much screaming, but in an angry way not the scary way. You owe me $4.

3.8/10.

Mitchell Note: i venmo’d you $5

Slither

This wasn't on this list, but I watched it because it was brought up in conversation and I want to express that it is upsetting me. This is so gross. The overall storyline is pretty okay, but god is it so gross. This is the definition of gross skin stuff. Pretty funny explosion though.

Flat 5.0/10

Mitchell Note: this movie was worse than i remember, good score.

Okay that's all. Love u !!! Follow me on twitter @mirandareinert. Give me money on venmo @miranda-reinert. Bye !!!