Options Make Me Nauseous
Thoughts on finding comfort in predictability and process. Thoughts on the limits and cowardice of that.
One night, in the days after my sister had to have heart surgery, I slept on the couch three feet away from her in the ICU room. It was freezing cold even under three blankets and two layers of long sleeves. I imagine there’s a medically minded reason for the sub-60 degree room, but it mostly just meant I was happy to stand up and move around when my sister requested ice or her phone or whatever.
I’ve always liked the hum of productivity of a hospital. It sort of feels removed from reality— like an airport or a post office or the DMV. These are places of process and focus and a lining of anxiety. It’s not leisure and it’s not work. It’s a means to an end. Get tests. Talk to a doctor. Buy postage. Get through security. Fill out the right forms. It’s not certainty in outcome, but the options for process are limited.
As a kid I wanted nothing more than to know what to expect. I like documented and expected process, I don’t like too many options. I was always searching for more control when I was younger, but what I ran into was liking a total loss of control more. I was easily overwhelmed, overwhelmingly anxious and terrified of doing the wrong thing. In a lot of ways I’m still that way.
A hospital isn’t comforting the same way I find an airport, but there is a shared energy in the loss of real control. I never have to be scared I’m doing the wrong thing. Not really. I just have to listen and I’ll always be doing the right thing. It’s what my 10 year old self always wanted. Most stuff is out of my hands, but I get to put complete and total focus on navigating this one space from start to finish. It’s like playing the tutorial level of a video game.
I love to follow directions and hate to feel unsure. I think it’s why I loved to bake as a kid. Baking is all process. If you can follow directions and not get frustrated or impatient then you can bake. I never had to really ask my parents for help, it was all right there in front of me. It was the perfect activity. I struggle to ask for help and just want to forge ahead based on documented instruction or, if that’s not an option, what I can see as a path forward that I control.
It’s a personality flaw to find so much comfort in process like that, though. It’s why I pay for most of the shows I go to instead of asking publicists. It’s why I wait too long to plan a halloween costume or a birthday party. It’s part of the core of why I’ve ended up digging my heels in on self directed, very DIY publishing of my own writing— I don’t really understand how being a professional writer works and I don’t pitch. There’s cowardice behind my independence. I don’t know how to get funding or if I’m being a good editor or if I’m doing design the right way. There’s creativity in not understanding it, but that doesn’t make the core of why it’s happening less cowardly. The 13 year old inside me would just rather die than ask for help.
I’ve thought a lot about the election and I’ve thought about what would have happened if my sister didn‘t happen to randomly get a scan that saved her life. I made a cheesecake for the first time and I’ve donated to GoFundMe fundraisers and I’ve been helping my sister wash her hair and pick up things heavier than a coffee cup while she recovers. The short term comfort of process and limited options.
The second issue of my magazine, Portable Model, is being made and will (barring any major issues) be out in January 2025! It’s themed around the first half of the decade and I’ve got a few questions that I’m hoping to get some crowd input on:
Over the last 5 years, has there been a trend or cultural happening that you’re tired of? Is there one you love?
Can be clothes, music, movies, anything! Let me know in a response to this email or in this google form:
Miranda Reinert is a music adjacent writer, zine maker, podcaster and law school drop out based in Chicago. Follow me on Twitter or Instagram: @mirandareinert. This blog does have a paid option and I would so appreciate any money you would be willing to throw me! You may also send me small bits of money at @miranda-reinert on venmo/on Paypal if you want. As always, thanks for reading!
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