september 4 + 5: men

September 4th: Decenter Men

I've been thinking a lot about Anna Marie Tendler's book and how it recently got torn apart in the reviews/discussion online. I think it deserved to be criticized and, like a lot of memoirs, probably would have been better if it came out 10 years from now. Of course, that can't happen because it wouldn't do nearly as well in sales.

There's been a lot of critique over her decision to say specifics of her weight and mentioning her eating disorder that doesn't seem to be well managed in an irresponsible way. I believe pretty strongly that when you discuss eating disorders in particular there is a certain duty of care and if you can't drop the competitive bullshit that defines an eating disorder then you aren't in a well enough place to discuss it.

The critique I find sticking with me more is in the idea of stating a hatred of men while either– depending on how charitable of an angle you want to take– option (1) taking no measures to decenter them from your life or option (2) still desiring to talk about the ways they've impacted you no matter how seemingly minor. Again, does the particular story she's telling compel me? Not really. But the critique as a broader idea stuck with me because over the last couple years as I've dumped more and more words into the world I am struck by how much of my sense of self and my experiences have been molded around the men I've known.

I'm a serial dater. Most men I've ever dated I've actually dated twice. There is no way to get around that I made choices that prioritized the men in my life to the detriment of myself, but also to the detriment of my friendships. Men have hurt me in extreme ways and in mundane ways and men have just been parts of my life.

I bristle against Anna Marie Tendler's very millennial "I Hate Men" mantra but not because I think she doesn't talk about her female friends enough in the book and that proves she's just not trying hard enough. I think it's always hard for me to relate to. I think I bristle against it so strongly because it is unkind to an obvious and natural want. It is normal and reasonable to want to be loved by men when you are a straight woman and I decided a long time ago that I can't give in to a belief that men are ontologically evil and lesser or else it is ultimately unkind to me.

Maybe I'm just embarrassed by how many of my stories and admissions of how I started listening to bands or watching movies include the words "My Boyfriend At The Time." Maybe the thing I see myself in AMT is an ability to track huge amounts of my life– and mental health issues I had or was trying to cope with– in the men I was around at any given moment so I take some of the criticism that she doesn't try to decenter men a bit personally.

At the same time, I do wonder what people mean when they call for straight women to "decenter men."

I guess they sometimes just mean that dating shouldn't be all you care about. You shouldn't only show how much you value your friendships when you're single. That makes sense to me. Sometimes, though, it has something to do with dressing a certain way. The whole "male gaze" versus the "female gaze" thing is a bit ridiculous when taken to an extreme, but has some merit in learning to love yourself without the need for male validation, even if I think the desire to be seen as sexually attractive is totally normal. These are ways to change behavior to, ideally, move forward in a better way for you.

But what does it mean to decenter men from the way you remember your own past? From time you can't get back?

I've decided for me maybe it means not allowing pain caused by the men I've spent my time around in somewhat regrettable ways be the only way I remember my life. When I allow myself to remember positivity and complexity I'm not letting them get away with anything, I'm just remembering myself in the moment too. Maybe that's enough for me to distance myself from the critique that's rolled around in my mind.

Of course, memoir also just isn't the best place to expect the full and total truth. Who knows how Anna really feels beyond this book that's obviously pretty full of pain. What is clear is that experiencing pain doesn't inherently make you interesting, but we already knew that.

September 5: We're Just Normal Men

It's been a big week for male relatability. With Oasis back we've all been reminded that class in England is truly bizarre. They're the kings of the working class, I guess. And MJ Lenderman's album is out tomorrow so we're reminded that, hey, isn't it cool and special that he's just like.. A Guy?

All the discussion feels a little silly. Women get a lot of flack for parasociality and prioritizing its predecessor "relatability" but men are just as bad.

Sure they're all special and cool guys but they're special and cool guys that are also normal guys. We're all just normal men, right, fellas? Noel and Liam are working class heroes and I get to feel good about liking them because I have an over fixation on hating people with expensive educations. MJ Lenderman is a guy who is normal and I can get a beer with. He speaks normal and he dresses normal and he is normal. He likes guitar solos like me and he likes beer like me. I bet I'd be friends with all those guys who are all normal but cool and just like me and my friends.

It's like guys who extrapolate way too much out of athletes to the point of doing fanfiction about the potential chemistry between guys who have never played together should a trade rumor come true or of whether a guy is a good guy who Plays The Game Right and answered all his questions in a way that they'd hope their son would. It's all a fantasy of self insert friendship.

Pretty funny.

I really like the new MJ Lenderman record, though. I love "On My Knees" in particular. In the Guardian profile of Mr. Lenderman there's a part where he brings up not really aligning with the Dudes Rock thing. My thoughts on Dudes Rock is that it's a vibes based designation and MJ Lenderman is a songs based artist. Sort of feels insane the way people talk about him.

Really good album though. Gonna go see him play songs in Urbana Illinois in the spring. Might eat bad food at Merry Anns or something too.

I'm writing everyday in September, but I won't send an email everyday. Kisses.